Step 9

Made direct amends to the people we had harmed, except when to do so would injure them or others.

Making the list wasn’t enough. Now I had to make my amends. This part was so hard for me. I sat on Step 9 for many months. I just wasn’t ready.

The longer I waited the more paralyzed I got. I was worried about the other person’s reaction. I over analyzed how to present my amends. I tried to cross every bridge mentally before it happened.

Then someone shed some light on the subject. They told me to ask myself, “What did you do?” It was a simple enough question but it cut to the quick of the matter. I only had to apologize for my actions, not for how it made others feel. I didn’t need to wait around to see if I was forgiven. I just had to own my part of the wrong. Those four words cleared my foggy head and made it much easier for me to make my amends.

Step work

I had forgotten to make amends to one important person though and that was myself. Amends to self is not in the form of indulgence or reward. Instead it should be caring and therapeutic, based on the harm done. In the heat of my obsession I didn’t eat or sleep well. Now, I can be conscience of what I put in my body as well as getting a good night’s sleep.

How can you treat yourself better? When was the last time you took time for yourself? What did you do?

Theme Day #2

As part of the blogathon Theme Day #1 was about the movies. Theme Day #2 participants are encouraged to write on the theme: Finish the phrase, “If I started blogging today I would….”
Here are the things I would do differently:

1. I would have come up with a catchy title or phrase for my blog. I just named it after myself which seems narcissistic in retrospect but I didn’t know my name would appear at the top of every blog and on every hyperlink.
2. Along those same lines I wouldn’t make the blog so much about myself. I might have chosen a wider swatch to entice more readers. I think the only ones reading my blog in the beginning were my family and friends.
3. I would learn how to use twitter and all the other social media sites to promote my blog. I only feel versed at Facebook.
4. I would try to post pictures every time I write. I think it is like adding salt and pepper to your meal. Just not as good without them.
5. I would have starting reading other people’s blogs instead writing in a vacuum. There is an entire community of people writing and if you stop by and make a comment on someone’s blog they are more likely to come visit your site.

Overall I am happy with my site and I feel like I have learned things along the way. Is there anything you would change about my site? I am open to suggestions.

Step 8

Made a list of all persons we had harmed and became willing to make amends to them all.

Healing

It is important to realize that through my addiction I not only hurt myself but my family. Understanding the havoc I created and trying to make repairs will be a lifelong task. Only through making amends can I mend myself and see what my Higher Power has in store for me.

Start new

To review my life and analyze where I had been wrong was a painful process. I had to look at my past in order to make it right. Only then could my spiritual growth continue. I could only remove the pains of guilt and shame through positive actions. When I freed myself of those burdens I started my healing.

Confidence Haiku

Confidence eludes
like the shadows in the night
I can not find you

Once I felt your strength
like a mother hugs her son
I knew your embrace

Now self doubt fills me
like an empty fishing can
I am lost at sea

Hope glimmers nearby
just like a swinging light bulb
illuminating

I can see you now
like a mirror on the wall
confidence is ME

World Premiere

Ray Burkhart and Kevin Brown

The life of a musician can sometimes be mundane. That may sound improbable to an outsider. I know I get to play my horn and it is an interesting way to make a living but playing Beethoven’s Fifth Symphony multiple times can be less than inspiring.

Having said that, it usually isn’t the music that burns me out. Being told where to be, what to wear and how to play is not a very creative process. Every once in a while I get to break away from it all and do my own thing.

Last night I performed a world premiere. What that means is that no audience ever heard that music before. In this case, the composer, Dr. Raymond Burkhart was also one of the performers. During the rehearsals if he didn’t like the way something sounded he would just change it. It was true artistic liberty.

I am so and thankful that I got to participate in this special event that was so new and exciting. It doesn’t happen often but when it does everything seems worth it. I guess this is the antithesis of burn out. Let’s call it burn in.